Burner Balls
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Burner Balls
      
Have you ever said something and then realized that what you just stated is utter nonsense. Here are some examples, collected and kindly donated by Keith Spiers. They are all true things that people have said.

While Keith worked for British Rail he would make a note every time he heard one of his colleagues say something that was nonsense

He has collected 444 true statements, and recorded them in a note book along with the name of the person saying it.  As a colleague nick named Burner was  being listed more often than any other person, any nonsense sayings within the office became known as Burner Balls and hence the title for this list.

I haven't listed every quote, as some were related specifically to the rail industry and the fact that they are nonsense could only be understood if you were in that industry.

I haven't listed who said what next to each statement to protect the guilty from further humiliation in the future. But they know who they are!!!

Some of the quotes are things we all might say with out realising, others need a second look to see why it is nonsense and others are just.. well read them and find out. Enjoy!

If you wish to use any of these quotes in any other media you may do so, but I would consider it polite to mention either The Red Python Pages and/or Keith Spiers. Also, although not absolutely necessary I would be grateful if you could email me to let me know where these quotes were used as I would be interested to see where all Keith's work gets displayed.

At present I haven't fully completed the list, but 444 quotes takes a long time to type up and I am working hard to complete it.

 
1 "That bloke certainly doesn't want his car nicked, look at the size of that chain on his handlebars."

 
2 "We're just the sandwich in the jam."

 
3 "All the other females were men."

 
4 "I can't stand pennies, especially half-pennies."

 
5 "The traffic going past was standing still."

 
6 "The one in front behind it which is actually at the side."

 
7 "I was the only person to play a preliminary round."

 
8 "I only borrowed your Daily Mirror 'cause I thought it was yesterdays Sun."

 
9 "That was how close it nearly didn't go in."

 
10 "Trolley buses are dangerous, they can knock you over before they hit you."

 
11 "The first three words are 'Dance Floor'."

 
12 "Our winger was off before he came on."

 
13 "In the long past future...."

 
14
"Guess how much money is in this bag?"
"£7.52."
"No, it must be an even number."

 
15
"Broomfields are more expensive than Butties."
"Well, it depends on how much you pay."

 
16 "all of Cuddle's big price winners came second."

 
17 "My school was on a level crossing."

 
18 "The favourite's going to win that race, but it all depends on what the favourite is."

 
19 "It's not as long as it is square."

 
20 "All teenagers should be drowned at birth."

 
21 "I didn't look at my watch nine times out of ten when I went to lunch last week."

 
22 "My 20p collection has reached 65p"

 
23 "I'll be the richest corpse alive."

 
24 "When you die you don't get any older, do you?"

 
25 "You drank the pint you refused."

 
26 "Every other kick was a throw in."

 
27 "I only listen to things that are written down in black and white."

 
28 "You can only fill them up half full,"

 
29  

 
30 "You've got to be up early to see the sunset rise."

 
31 "I saw a flash of thunder over there."

 
32 "Can I have my ruler back, I need it to write with."

 
33
"Where's Colin?"
"He's off sick."
"Is he alright."

 
34 "If I fly instead of going by plane...."

 
35 "They're blocking the mainline for three months every weekend."

 
36 "I kick right handed"

 
37 "My shirts are half cotton and half polystyrene."

 
38 "Don't give Tom that banana or he'll be swinging on the candelabra."

 
39 "I heard a rare sight."

 
40
"I got the computer pool game at the weekend, it's excellent."
"Is it any good?"

 
41 "If you don't want any you can make it yourself."

 
42
"I've just been in the SW stock, it was completely deserted."
"Was Peter there?"

 
43
"I've amended all of your books Andy."
"Have you done the Sunday one?"

 
44 "Has my mate been on the phone since the last time?"

 
45 "One side was three thirds the size of the other."

 
46 "I heard you listening."

 
47  

 
48 "They'll never get it done by January, not in a million years."

 
49 "It's not where you think it is because it's not far from somewhere else."

 
50 "I've got half of my order - three out of four records."

 
51 "He was looking worried sitting there pacing up and down."

 
52 "I trod on it but it wasn't there."

 
53 "They're not running out, they just don't have enough."

 
54 "Colin will sell you one for nothing."

 
55 "The 3rd of October, it's the last Saturday in June."

 
56 "It wasn't much less than one minute early."

 
57 "Do you speak sign language?"

 
58 "It went over tomorrow last week."

 
59 "You're just paying for the money, aren't you?"

 
60 "It's three away if you go in off without touching anything."

 
61 "We share a unique record."

 
62 "If there is one place I'd emigrate to it would be there - or New Zealand."

 
63 "I was talking to someone who wasn't there."

 
64 "It's not my accent, you're just taking the piss out of the way I talk."

 
65 "It worked in the first two but it didn't work in the second."

 
66 "There's only one team in North London - they both drew  0 - 0."

 
67 You wouldn't realize there were 25 hours in a week until you read this book."

 
68  

 
69 "You're not seeing the same sound."

 
70
"Do you know that Burrel sells Champagne?"
"What, bottled?"

 
71 "I was out ten days that week."

 
72 "It wasn't that I forgot, I just didn't remember."

 
73 "You don't see many woman fishermen, do you?"

 
74 "It's the first time I've done anything like that. I've probably done it before."

 
75 "There's only one train an hour and they're both there at the same time."

 
76 "The first person I go for won't be the ball."

 
77 "This working saves no additional crews."

 
78 "Yes, next week's the day."

 
79 "People think of trimphones as stupid things that only weigh half an inch."

 
80 "If you get Lyons coffee bags you must eat them within two weeks."

 
81
"To whom were you referring?"
"Nobody in general."

 
82 "They've only got one, and that's one of them."

 
83
"Do you get many requests for 47's from the South Eastern?"
"Only when they ask."

 
84 "Mr Paterson and myself are one of a kind."

 
85 "Sunglasses stuck on the back of your forehead."

 
86 "I don't know what it was but it had some orange coloured green stuff on it."

 
87 "Otherwise it will come back and join up with a unit it doesn't attach to."

 
88 "There were three different people going four different ways,"

 
89 "I've uncovered five numbers so far and I haven't found one the same yet."

 
90 "When I heard that result on the radio I thought it must be a misprint."

 
91 "Bring us back a pint while you're there."

 
92 "You must be one of the many few."

 
93 "It'll have a 25 minute early late start."

 
94 "There is no number 107 Valley Drive, the odd numbers finish at 98."

 
95 "He wasn't there when I gave it to him."

 
96 "There was a dry soggy biscuit in his cup."

 
97 "Perhaps he'll work a full week one of these days."

 
98 "If you shouted you couldn't hear the bloke next to you."

 
99 "Who's doing the 29th/30th February?"

 
100
"How long is it, quarter of an hour?"
"No, it's a good fifteen minutes."

 
101 "I only know of one other desk like this - Dave Holness's and Dave Murphy's."

 
102 "Perhaps her real hair is a wig."

 
103 "I don't know which is worse - smoking or fags."

 
104 "I can't stand the sound of blood."

 
105 "Pound notes are still coins of the realm."

 
106 "Hurry up and drink your tea or you'll get coffee over your desk."

 
107 "The only person who isn't here is missing."

 
108 "At least we'll have been knocked out by the team that beat us."

 
109 "It was good seeing all the old friends that I hadn't seen before."

 
110  

 
111
"Which was the last country to win the British Rugby Grand Slam?"
"New Zealand."

 
112 "I've copied six of yours out of five."

 
113 "The coat's in my other pocket."

 
114 "Was I here all day last week?"

 
115 "300 miles of dead straight track - It'd drive you round the bend."

 
116 "I didn't go home long enough to be there."

 
117 "The trouble with getting these things lost is I don't know who to pass them to next."

 
118 "He doesn't turn up when he goes on piss-ups."

 
119 "Were you asleep when you woke up in the sidings?"

 
120 "I need a dictionary to decipher your writing."

 
121 "He rose to the bait superbly, just like the fish he never catches,"

 
122
"Are you putting in for these jobs at York, Mick?"
"Where abouts?"

 
123 "it's a lot less worse."

 
124 "I might get out with my limbs intact - broken, but intact."

 
125 "What happens when the postman can't get a package through the envelope?"

 
126 "They were putting in knee-high tackles to his chest."

 
127 "If they're not more than 37p for five, get half a dozen."

 
128 "That's fifteen for two, and two is three!"

 
129 "I think Watford versus Maidstone will be a home draw."

 
130
"Has Mary got a rich family or something?"
"No, her Aunt's got a lot of money."

 
131 "No, I am not wearing the square triangle."

 
132 "They do assess the interior condition of the property, but they don't expect it to be done out like a landscaped garden!"

 
133 "At the moment we are canceling trains left, right and centre due to a chronic crow shortage,"

 
134 "I'll tell you who's mad - anyone who dangles their tea in their tie."

 
135 "We were only here for four weeks last week."

 
136
"How was Rangoon Trigger?"
"Desperate, I couldn't get in. They have got a curfew on."
"Oh, was this a sudden thing, then?"
"No, it just started 3 or 4 weeks ago."

 
137
"My money in the bank doesn't earn interest, does it?"
"Mine does, and I haven't got a bank account."

 
138 "The 21:20 at night...."

 
139 "Yeah, I put the headphones on 'cos they shut out all the light."

 
140 "they use all the bits of a cow; even the brains are used in a pork pie."

 
141 "Am I doing the Saturday or Sunday on the 14th August?"

 
142 "I'm going to see if I can find a better priced no-price winner."

 
143 "There was John off with a bad hip, Mary's got sore arms, and the daughter has sprained her ankle and she's got it in a sling."

 
144
"Put the coffee machine on before you go out to lunch, Pondy."
"No, 'cos I won't be here to drink it when I come back."

 
145  

 
146 "It's got a siren alarm, if you force the door open, it bleeps."

 
147 "I was watching all for channels at once."

 
148 "You must have been sunbathing on the beach all day and all night."

 
149 "What did you do tomorrow?"

 
150 "Next week he's off for two weeks."

 
151 "It was a 100 kilomile race."

 
152 "Yeah, it's a dry humid heat."

 
153 "I don't think my cast winner will win."

 
154 "I've copied all of Templegates's selections, except two of them."

 
155 "Marcus is just a prawn in the game."

 
156 "If you buy a thousand, it won't cost you anything."

 
157 "They can come in and drill holes as long as they don't use a drill."

 
158 "Andy's got the job for evermore for a while."

 
159 "I want the margin in the middle."

 
160 "It did fall on the floor 'cos I put it in the bag that didn't have a hole in it."

 
161
"Do you need more than one to go in the book?"
"No, you need two or more?"

 
162 "That Bottle Fair is definitely on the 20th 'cos I got a book through the post last night saying it's on the 19th."

 
163 "We ain't got time to start work at 10-15"

 
164
"Any results Burner?"
"No, but I've got the first one."

 
165 "Hurry up; quick, before I remember!"

 
166 "The waitresses were pretty bad, one was really old, and the other one was a man."

 
167 "I know it was released in 1970 'cos I brought it in 1969."

 
168 "It must be the top half of the middle."

 
169
"I see that there's trout on the menu for tomorrow, Burner."
"Yeah, I know. It's either that or fish."

 
170 "I don't worry about the colours in the book if I'm only going by the book."

 
171 "There will be no more stationery U.F.O."

 
172 "Yesterday was the hottest year in March,"

 
173
"I see that Eddie has given up eating meat."
"Oh, is he a vegetarian then?"

 
174 "Did you drive down or go by car?"

 
175 "I was in the tea club all on my own with Geoff."

 
176
"That was a good one Steve; your entry 175!"
"Are they numbered, then?"

 
177 "Peter spoke to me tomorrow,"

 
178 "Once a week is every day."
179 "He won't bring a picture in, he's got one of her with a blind walking stick."

 
180 "I watered it this morning; perhaps it's a case of watering the plant after the horse has bolted."

 
181
"Nigel, have you been to the Isle of Wight?"
"Yes, Ashley, I've been to Shanklin."
"Oh, I've been there as well; is it any good?"

 
182 "Don't you wipe your snot on my nose!"

 
183
"Was his wife with him?"
"Oh, is he married, then?"

 
184 "That Sunday's a good week, isn't it, Willy?"

 
185 "There was him, Tom and Roger, the pair of them."

 
186 "I didn't realise that there was a problem with my phone; someone just rang up and couldn't get through."

 
187 "That's the one with the plastic nameplate. It's made of aluminum."

 
188 "I think that Carmanite in the 4.20 at York might be an absolute certainty."

 
189 "You're making moles out of mountains."

 
190
"Jesus Wept!"
"Was he waiting for a train, then?"
"No, but he wept when they put the hands through his nails!"

 
191
"What's in the roll, Mark?"